Now, I’ve got yelled at for saying this before, but here goes. In the dating process emotional competence, availability are often not attractive qualities for a man. Think of our mythology, classically Beauty and the Beast. He’s got the castle, the position, the only problem is that he’s a beast. She, on the other hand, lacks wealth and position but is beautiful, sensitive, and emotionally available. There’s a transaction involved, she tames his beast qualities and transforms him into a prince among fellows;) Or again in Pretty Woman, basically Beauty and the Beast on Hollywood Blvd, same trade though, his access to love and emotion, her access to wealth and position.
Women are used to getting communication and connection from their women friends, on an emotional level they assume that this is an important quality they bring to a relationship. Men, on the other hand, are rewarded for their competitive skills, their ability to win out over others, they assume that this is what they bring to a relationship, security, status, protection. The problem with both assumptions is that it’s hard to change learned patterns, learned behaviors. All too often the Beast remains a beast, has to be a beast to maintain the things that attracted Beauty in the first place. And all too often she continues to get emotional support and connection from her women friends.
Look at Natalie and Alex’s lists in Up in the Air for a marriageable man. Natalie wants 6'1", college educated, works in finance, Alex has reduced the list to healthy enough to play with the kids, taller than her and “please god, makes more money than her”. There’s also a reason that Rom/com movie heroines have gay male close friends (a gay man is allowed to be sensitive and in touch with his emotions), and why romance novel heroes are tall, dark, and handsome, and of course quiet, disturbed and withdrawn until, of course, the heroine draws him out with her emotional skills; works well in fiction of course;) In real life you have to select for emotional competence, emotional availability to get emotional competence, emotional availability.
