Such a well told story. Hoping you are doing better. What grabs my attention is the many times you say that he is/was the "love of your life". As you describe him and your life together he sounds hellish...what created the strong emotional tie to him, what maintained it? Judging from the many replies below a lot of people are attracted to or get captured by a narcissist, knowing the why and how of this toxic bond might be a great story and an antidote as well.