You simply can’t ensure that another person is happy. Doubtful that you can “fall in love” with a person in two months, or that somebody with whom a relationship is “on and off, mostly off” but with whom you get totally enmeshed and are either sharing an addiction with or hiding that addiction from is really the love of your life. I’ve had long term relationships that for me were never going to work, never a long term relationship that was in any important way satisfying.

There’s a real two edged sword involved; looking ahead as a young person the prospect of a life without long term love looks horrible, and yet as you point out, life in a relationship where the true you is not fed, where you either must conceal your truth or abandon it is torture too. While I still hope, at my advanced age, for a real love relationship I am resigned to the reality that I am a difficult match and that I may have to be content with my own company. Fortunately for me my own company is great. I’m never bored, I truly enjoy the time I spend alone. Sounds like you are going in a similar direction. Trust me on this, that relationship with yourself is key to ensuring the happiness of the one person for whom you can ensure anything, and will be key should you be fortunate to find a life, or long term partner as well.